Dude, here. I can only do these like once a week because they are damn hard for me to do all at once

Yeah, your fucking horoscopes.

If you don't know your sign, suck it. It's really not that hard.

ARIES
You really can't sit on your ass, can you? I want to do this, do that, blah. Bastards. You're pretty much on one hell of a steak, you've got quite a bit of freedom and more power to you lucky bitches. Go have fun and rub it in all our faces.

TAURUS
For once instead of being boring, you actually are exciting and spontaneous. You're feeling creative, so you better use it before you go back to your normal boring self. And if that doesn't happen, the government will find you.

GEMINI
Honestly, don't you want do whatever the fuck you feel like? It may sound like a good idea at the time, but karma does come around to bite you in the ass eventually. This may be a good time to use your brain, or you'll be the first gossip back at school.

CANCER
Someone's got a dose of the lovebug.. If you're with someone, you'll want to snuggle the hell out of them and make everyone else sick, but if you're not, well too bad for you. At least it isn't Valentine's Day. And try to keep calm and don't take things outta proportion, because drama sucks.

LEO
You have no idea what the hell is happening, but you just keep getting problems in your life everywhere. Health, relationships, you, all that shit. But save friends and family the trouble, by learning from this crap because it helps us all when you whine less about yourself.

VIRGO
Stop cleaning your room and being a hypochrodriac, and go join that new group of friends. You have nothing else to do anyway but clean or panic, at least annoying other people with your anal retentiveness is more fun than doing it to yourself.

LIBRA
Okay jeez, is it really so much to ask of you to put in a little damn effort every now and then? Can't always talk your way into everything (only most things), if you want that job or that good recommendation for college, you may have to add in a little more. Or hell, someone's gotta be the bum at the school reunion.

SCORPIO
I bet you thought that one cut you put a band-aid over healed up nicely, right? Well not this time, it's gonna come back flaring in your life and you'll just have to deal. Even if we're all fucking scared of you, you can't always get your damned way. Sometimes you just can't stab a problem to death enough to make it go away.

SAGITTARIUS
Something's been itching your brain lately (not those damn brain teasers that Muse has) and you've been pretty curious about it. Hey, you might as well do it now, you might actually find someone cute enough to flirt with and steal a kiss. And maybe if you're lucky this time, it'll actually be with someone single.

CAPRICORN
Well someone's got an exciting lately. You've probably broken up or found a new person, or hell, both. We just know that your love life's on the sizzler right now, but don't let it distract you, you don't want that reputation you built up to go down the drain because everyone else knows you're a filthy whore.

AQUARIUS
Have you actually become.. more.. boring? Wow. Wow. I mean, really. Give us a damn break, who else are we going to have stories about when school comes back? Work's important too and all, but c'mon, we like seeing you getting wasted. It's your calling! It really won't kill you to have some fun (the same cannot be said with alcohol intake).

PISCES
You've been having a pretty good summer, everything's flowing reasonably well for you and your attention span has probably even got shorter. Really, I don't have anything for you.. I'm actually surprised you read this far into your own horoscope, seriously. I'm surprised mine got so far, too.




And for the sports.. well, nothing's really happening.

Basketball
Bye bye Larry Brown for the Pistons. Is it really a surprise he got so sick of living in Michigan, you guys? Really now. Nothing else is happening important enough for me to care.

Baseball
Is one of the most boring sports I've ever watched.. but anyway. Damn fucking Yankees take back the lead (stupid Red Sox for screwing themselves outta the lead). The Tigers actually win a series with the best team in the league.

Football
I don't really want to call this soccer, it's a dumb name. American football don't even use their feet with the ball for even 10% of the damn game. Real Madrid has been touring the world to get exposure. It's not like it's a real hard job, kicking every other countries' soccer teams like that. Wayne Rooney has actually gone a few weeks without getting into a bar fight, we must applaud him now.

Cycling
Lance Armstrong is yet again, the leader. Yeah.. And in 50 years, I bet he still will be.

Auto Racing
Tony Stewart won a race. You know, I can't remember the last time I actually cared about NASCAR since.. well, I'd rather not remember.

Billiards
Some guy in the UK kicked a guy named Painter. I was listening to the "commentary" and I thought the British guy was gonna piss himself and fall over with a heart attack. A couple of guys throwing shit at the wall is not worth shitting yourself over..

Poker
Some Asian guy came back from behind. I'm glad he knocked out the cocky asshole in the shades. Whatever, I only caught parts. Why is there so damn much poker on tv and why is it a sport?!

[Okay, this was a pain in my ass to write..]